Day 37 – Humor

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Laws of Loshon Hora 3:3-4

The crucial point about humor is that its enjoyment is dependent upon which side of the joke you are on.

Think back to the last time a group of people laughed at you for some reason, telling you in all sincerity, “It was just a joke!” They may have laughed because you did something foolish, or because your boss jokingly said, “If you don’t get that report in by tomorrow, I guess you are going to be taking a long vacation.” Initially, you may have laughed along so as not to seem like a bad sport. Somehow, though, when you are on the receiving end, the remark is not at all amusing. And sometimes, you may get the feeling that the joke contains at least a kernel of truth.

It is this point that the Chofetz Chaim addresses. To the person who, after speaking loshon hora, says, “I’m joking; come on, I didn’t mean it!” the Chofetz Chaim says, “It is not a joke!” The person’s feelings are hurt. His esteem has been lowered. Words have power even when they are presented as a “joke.” Therefore, if a joke is derogatory in any way, it is forbidden.

chanoch adds: If one thinks honestly one will realize that all jokes are hurting someone or someone's reputation which is the same thing.

In this segment the Chofetz Chaim focuses, once again, on the effect of our words. If one recounts a story and does not mention names, but through other details the listener may come to identify the subject of the story, it is considered loshon hora. Even if the story contains no negative information, but will eventually cause the subject to appear in a bad light, it is still forbidden. Delayed-reaction destruction is still destruction.

As we study the laws of shmiras haloshon in all their detail, we see again and again that Hashem has great displeasure when His children are portrayed in a negative light. Through these laws Hashem is telling us: “All of you are My children; please treat each other with respect and sensitivity.”

Day 38 - The Power of Speech

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Laws of Loshon Hora 3:5-6

One of the basic premises of the prohibition against loshon hora is that loshon hora causes damage. Jobs are lost, prospective shidduchim (marriage matches) are rejected, shalom bayis (harmony within the home) is shattered and friendships are dissolved. But causing damage is far from the only reason that loshon hora is forbidden.

The Chofetz Chaim teaches us that loshon hora which does not cause the slightest bit of damage is still considered 100 percent loshon hora. To focus on the shortcomings of another person is lowly, even when no harm results from it.

In reality, it is almost impossible for us to know for certain that the words we speak never cause damage. Words have a life of their own; once they are released into the world they can travel far and wide, and no one can be sure where they will end up. Many stories are told of information that became known years after the words were originally spoken, and which caused great damage.

Let us consider a piece of fairly harmless information which was discussed at a Shabbos table. David, a friend of one of the children at the table, missed a month of school for unknown reasons. In their curiosity, all six people gathered around the table suggested possible reasons for his absence. In years to come, these six people will find themselves at various other tables, in meetings and involved in random conversations. In some of these situations, David’s family name or David himself might come up in conversation. At one of these conversations, one of these six people might mention the information concerning David’s absence in the most innocuous way. He might add the possible reasons for his absence that he recalls hearing at the Shabbos table years earlier.

As the information is passed from person to person, more theories about why he was absent are spoken about as if they were fact. When David is ready to consider marriage, he finds himself hindered by various “reports” concerning his month-long absence in fifth grade. In fact, the “reports” hold no substance, but they are enough to convince many fathers that their daughters would be better off marrying someone with a “clean” medical history. Yes, words are very, very powerful.

Day 39 - The Best Defense

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Laws of Loshon Hora 3:7-8

Imagine if there existed a spiritual secret which would ensure that all your actions would be viewed in Heaven in a positive light. Heavenly angels would come to your defense and would work strenuously to find excuses for your sins. Amazingly, whatever excuse they would offer would gain favor in the Heavenly Court. Their defense would result in your acquittal in many instances and even when the verdict was “Guilty!” you would be dealt with mercifully.

Surely you would be anxious to hire a legal team and even pay millions of dollars to receive this sort of defense. In truth, anyone can obtain these celestial defense lawyers at no charge whatsoever.

It is really quite simple. If we judge our fellow man favorably, then in Heaven we are judged favorably. To the extent that we seek to find excuses for our fellow man’s behavior, the Heavenly angels will seek to find excuses for us. This is the primary benefit—but surely not the only one—of judging others favorably.

The positive commandment “With righteousness you shall judge your fellow “ (Vayikra 19:15), requires one to judge favorably and see his actions in a positive light. If the circumstances can easily be judged favorably, one is absolutely required to do so. If circumstances lean toward a negative interpretation, nevertheless, says the Chofetz Chaim, it is quite correct to keep an open mind on the matter and not decide that the person is guilty. This is when the person is considered a beinoni (average) in his mitzvah observance. If he is known to be God-fearing, then one is required to judge him favorably even when circumstances lean towards guilt.

There is no question that judging unfavorably is the great engine that drives the “loshon hora machine.” Take the following example:

A person goes to a wedding and tells his friend, “The service was terrible. It really wasn’t worth the money.”

But perhaps the caterer is almost bankrupt and he had to manage three events on the same night just to keep his business afloat and feed his ten children. Awareness of this possibility would certainly impel you to ignore the fact that the roast beef was rather rare and was served a bit late.

The Torah requires us to make allowances for people who don’t live up to our expectations of them. By judging others favorably, says the Chofetz Chaim, we will guarantee ourselves great reward in the World to Come, and our lives in this world will be free of strife and low in anger as we become kinder, more understanding individuals.

Day 40 - The Self- Righteous Speaker

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Laws of Loshon Hora 4:1-2

It is a law of “loshon hora physics” that when one speaks loshon hora about the spiritual failings of someone else, that loshon hora is most intense and righteously indignant.

Unfortunately, to many people there is nothing more self-satisfying than identifying and disapproving of someone else’s deficiency; e.g., that someone does not help his parents or learn with his children, or does not do some mitzvah that the speaker happens to observe carefully.

The Chofetz Chaim informs us that it is loshon hora to say that a person has transgressed a positive or negative commandment, whether the mitzvah observance is one generally performed carefully, or one that is largely overlooked. Even if the criticism is only that the person does not do the mitzvah in the optimum manner — for example, he does not spend as much as he should on items for Shabbos — it is forbidden to relate it.

Obviously there are times when mention of someone’s laxity in mitzvah observance might be necessary. At times, one needs to warn a child to stay away from someone who is a bad influence. In such cases, it is worthwhile to ask a posek (halachic authority) how to relate the information in a way that is permitted by halachah and does not create unnecessary harm.

R’ Shamshon Raphael Hirsch once commented on the common urge to speak loshon hora about a fellow Jew’s laxity in mitzvah observance. He said that the soul’s natural tendency is to strive ever higher. If a person is actively involved in Torah and mitzvos, then he is growing spiritually and his soul is content. But if a person is lazy and his actions are not helping his soul to move upward, then he feels inner discontent. He seeks to satisfy this discontent by appearing to be growing spiritually. And how does he accomplish this? By making everyone around him appear smaller. His thinking goes something like this: “If my fellow Jew doesn’t give enough tzedakah (charity) or do some other mitzvah that I am careful to do, then by focusing on his deficiencies, I will feel as if I am higher.”

This type of loshon hora works much like a drug for the soul. When the person makes use of it, he feels righteous and holy. But as soon as its effect wears off, he realizes that he is no higher than before. If anything, he is lower.

The Torah does not want us to find fault with our fellow Jews’ mitzvah observance. When we denigrate Jews, we not only do something lowly, but we also lull ourselves into a false sense of complacency. Nothing good comes from fooling ourselves, from being content with a false sense of spiritual achievement. Hashem wants us to strive for holiness in our lives, to make spiritual gains which are real and meaningful. The way to do this is by viewing ourselves in an honest, critical way, while seeing others in a positive light.

Day 41 - Judging Favorably

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Laws of Loshon Hora 4:3-4

As we have already discussed, there is a tendency to denigrate a fellow Jew whom we see transgressing, and thereby achieve a momentary “high.” On the other hand, the Torah has given us instructions on how to view a person we see transgress, so that we may judge him favorably and interpret his behavior in a more positive way.

The Chofetz Chaim says: If the subject is an “average” person, which means he generally guards himself from sin but does transgress occasionally, then we should attribute his lapse to one of three things: Either he did it accidentally (as in the case of a storekeeper who gives you the wrong change), or he did not know it is forbidden (as in the case of a person who transgressed a Shabbos law), or he mistakenly thought that this particular mitzvah is a midas chasidus, an act of piety reserved for people who want to be especially stringent.

This is what we should tell ourselves, even if we see the person transgress several times. We must judge him favorably and it is forbidden to feel animosity towards him because of what we have seen.

The halachah is different, however, when we are certain that the person knows that a particular act is forbidden, and we see him transgress purposely and with specific intent— for example, he walked into McDonald’s and ate a hamburger. If we know that such an act is out of character for this person and he probably did it only this one time and it was not done publicly (in the presence of other observant Jews), then it is forbidden to reveal this information. The Torah requires us to consider the possibility that the person has already engaged in teshuvah (repentance) and we will embarrass him unnecessarily by speaking about the incident.

However, we should approach the person privately and speak to him concerning his transgression. But the Chofetz Chaim cautions: make sure to speak gently and with respect. People are receptive to criticism only when they are treated with respect and shown genuine concern. Furthermore, the Torah cautions us not to rebuke in a hurtful or insulting way. We are commanded: “You shall surely reprove your fellow and do not bear a sin because of him” (Vayikra 19:17). The latter half of this verse teaches us that it is a serious sin to embarrass someone in public even while offering well-intentioned reproof.

All of the above concerns dealing with the average person. If the person we see transgressing is a talmid chacham (Torah scholar) then it would be a great sin to publicize his misdeed because he surely has repented.

Day 42 – Rebuke

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Laws of Loshon Hora 4:5-6

In the previous segment, the Chofetz Chaim stressed that when rebuking someone, one must be careful to speak gently and with respect. Here the Chofetz Chaim deals with a different situation. What if you are fairly certain that the person will not heed your rebuke? In this case, you are required to seek someone — for example, a rav, dayan (judge) or parent — to whom the subject will listen, and relate the information to that individual. Make sure, however, that the following three conditions are met:

1. The person to whom you are relating the information must be someone who knows you and who will believe your report.

2. You must give over the information in a sensitive manner.

3. The person to whom you are relating the information must be someone who will handle the matter as discreetly as possible.

Given these conditions, it would be advisable to seek advice from a Torah authority before involving someone else in the process of rebuke.

From these laws, we learn how sensitive the Torah is towards the feelings of all people –- including sinners. Here we are dealing with a person who has sinned intentionally and is not receptive to criticism. Nevertheless, the Torah goes to extreme lengths to protect his reputation, to the point where rebuke is prohibited if it cannot be done in a discreet manner.

The underlying message of these laws is: we Jews are responsible for one another; therefore we have to be concerned when another Jew sins. But at the same time, we have to be equally concerned with protecting that Jew’s feelings, dignity and good name.

We should draw a lesson from these laws to be extremely sensitive to the feelings of every Jew and to avoid tarnishing another Jew’s image through words of loshon hora. By treating each other with love and respect, we will fortify our interpersonal relationships in the way which the Torah desires.

chanoch adds: Given the above section I suggest that one think twice or even 3 times before one rebukes another. It is best to be secure in your knowledge that you are truly “loving” someone.

Day 43 - A Time to Speak

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Laws of Loshon Hora 4:7-8

If one were to compile a list of Torah leaders of the past few centuries who most symbolized ahavas Yisrael (love of one’s fellow Jew), the Chofetz Chaim would surely be high on the list. From the Chofetz Chaim’s written works, as well as countless stories about him, it is abundantly clear that he loved every Jew of every shade and stripe.

Nevertheless, in this segment the Chofetz Chaim informs us that when a Jew reaches a certain level of wickedness, it is permissible to tell others of his misdeeds. We are speaking here of a Jew who was raised in a religious environment, but has cast off the yoke of Heaven, God forbid.

Whether the person shamelessly sins in public or refuses to obey the rulings of a beis din (rabbinical court), it is clear that his errant behavior is not a temporary lapse but a deliberate rejection of Torah.

The Chofetz Chaim says that you are allowed to repeat the wrongdoings of such a person whether or not he is present. The reasoning is simple: if we allow a rasha (evil person) to rise up unchecked in our midst and we do not take a stand against the rishus (evil), our silence is not counted as righteousness, but as foolishness for allowing a cancer to grow unhindered.

The Chofetz Chaim takes the uncompromising stand that if you see the rasha do something which you are not sure is wrong, you are supposed to judge him as if he definitely sinned.

It is important to note that we are not speaking here of a person who was deprived of a meaningful Jewish education and whose upbringing was devoid of religious observance. Rambam compares such a person to a tinok shenishbah, a kidnapped Jewish child, who sins out of ignorance. Surely it would be wrong to speak of such a person in a derogatory way.

chanoch adds: A person learns values as a child. If someone is raised in a religious home they are learning to live Torah. Obviously we need to hold them to a standard of “living Torah” which is the idea of the Blessing “lasoak BaTorah”. Others who learn Torah as a Baal Teshuvah always has the potential to fall to his older ways and we can not assume that he truly is on the level of “living Torah”.

In Be’er Mayim Chaim, the Chofetz Chaim explains that speaking against a defiant sinner is not loshon hora because the intent is not to denigrate, but to steer people away from this person and his behavior. Before speaking, one should be sure that his intentions are honorable; if someone hates this individual for personal reasons, then he should not be the one to publicize the person’s misdeeds.

In Tehillim (Psalms 122:7-9) we read: “May there be peace within your walls, serenity within your palaces. For the sake of my brethren and comrades I shall speak of peace in your midst. For the sake of the House of Hashem, our God, I will request good for you.“

The question has been asked: Why does King David pray for peace twice, and then conclude with a request for “good”? The answer is that while peace is the greatest of blessings, nevertheless, for the “sake of the House of Hashem,” we seek not peace but rather tov, what is good and correct. There are times when we must stand up for what is right and speak out against those whose behavior threatens our moral fabric. In this way, we will ensure that the “House of Hashem” remains intact and its Master, Whose essence is peace, will rest His Presence in our midst.

Day 44 - Handle With Care

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Laws of Loshon Hora 4:9-10

In this segment, the Chofetz Chaim reflects on the attitude of a certain type of individual, a sincerely observant person who acts as if he has either missed a very important piece of information, or he has forgotten that it exists. We are speaking of an observant Jew who frequently transgresses a specific commandment in the Torah. Though he displays this behavior on a regular basis, we are not allowed to relate this information to others because the person may not realize the severity of the transgression involved. As the Chofetz Chaim explains, there are, for example, observant Jews who have a permissive attitude towards certain bad character traits because they consider avoidance of such traits “recommended behavior” and fail to realize that many negative traits (such as the desire for revenge) are prohibited by the Torah. The Chofetz Chaim tells us not to consider these people reshaim (evil people); rather, they are good people who are in need of reproof.

chanoch adds: Do you know the various methods of reproof? It is important to initially do this reproof in private and may be more effective to have someone else do the reproof. Someone the person respects.

The human mind is a complex machine. At times we may face a serious problem or issue, but our mind does not read it as such and accords it a lower priority than it deserves. This, says the Chofetz Chaim, is often the case with certain forms of negative behavior, where the person simply does not view the matter as a serious sin. But such a person can often be helped. If we approach him respectfully and graphically portray the seriousness of the matter, it is quite possible that he will accept our reproof and change for the better.

On the other hand, the Chofetz Chaim informs us that we should point out this person’s negative behavior to our children or students and caution them not to learn from his misguided ways. As we have already stated, this is not loshon hora because our intention is not to denigrate the person; we are merely concerned that others may emulate his behavior. However, it is absolutely essential to explain to the children why this is not loshon hora. Otherwise, they may erroneously draw the conclusion that loshon hora can be spoken in other situations.

chanoch adds: Who is a child is generally clear. Who is a student may not be clear. Do not use this aspect to speak negatively about someone to which you have had an incident. Or some other inclination of your unconscious.

At times the Torah allows negative information to be related, but only under very specific conditions. Just as the Torah demands of us not to speak loshon hora unnecessarily, so too, does it demand that we not mislead those who need to know the information. They must know that loshon hora is forbidden and that only in this particular case is it permitted to relate negative information.

chanoch adds: This means one must know the Halacha of Loshon Harah.

We can compare loshon hora to toxic waste and the laws of shmiras haloshon – guarding the speech to a protective suit worn by people who must handle these wastes. When a responsible person knows that he must deal with dangerous substances he prepares himself properly so that the substance will not cause him — or others — any harm.

Day 45 – Constructive Purpose

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Laws of Loshon Hora 4:11

One of the beautiful aspects of shmiras haloshon is that it demonstrates how Torah is all encompassing. While the Torah prohibits most forms of negative speech, it provides for the release of necessary information without causing unnecessary damage.

In situations such as a prospective shidduch (marriage match), job possibility or business relationship, the Chofetz Chaim says it is perfectly correct to inquire about someone in order to prevent future harm or dispute.

As we study this topic, we will find 7 requirements that need to be fulfilled before we can request or supply negative information for a constructive purpose. The first is that we must convey clearly the purpose of our inquiry before seeking information. If we do not tell the person that our inquiry is l’toeles, for a constructive purpose, then we place him in a situation where he will transgress the laws against loshon hora by providing the information. By not informing him of a constructive need for the information, we have caused him to sin by speaking loshon hora, and thus we transgress the commandment “You shall not place a stumbling block before the blind” (Vayikra 19:14).

chanoch adds: I was asked today what does someone say when asked about someone and they are not sure if this is for a constructive purpose? Below we will learn what the 7 rules are all about. Until then it is best to say to someone I am not sure of the information while thinking but not saying that you are not sure if the request is for a constructive purpose.

The person who provides the information must do it solely for the constructive purpose of helping to protect us from future harm. He is not permitted to speak if his true purpose is to degrade the subject of the inquiry. If he does have this in mind, then he is guilty of speaking loshon hora.

The second condition which the Chofetz Chaim lists here is that the person providing the information must be exceedingly careful not to exaggerate. Unfortunately, human nature often causes people to exaggerate in order to sound convincing, and this can cause enormous damage.

The Chofetz Chaim alludes to a case where a person exaggerated someone’s negative points when asked for information concerning a shidduch. On that basis, the inquiring party chose not to pursue it any further. As in most cases of loshon hora, the speaker has committed a sin between man and Hashem and also between man and his fellow. He must engage in teshuvah (repentance ) othan both accounts, and must seek the forgiveness of the subject of his evil words.

chanoch adds: Do you understand why loshon harah is a sin between yourself and HaShem? In the specific case of a Shidduchim that is not pursued. The speaker of Loshon Harah may have interrupted a marriage of cosmic soul mates since the family members usually object to this kind of Shidduch until it consumates.

As mentioned, there are five additional conditions that must be met which allow a person to release negative information for a constructive purpose. These will be discussed later.

chanoch adds: Do you remember the first two? One must know that the inquiry about this person is for specifically constructive purpose and then the person must be careful to not exaggerate.

Day 46 – Repairing the Damage

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Laws of Loshon Hora 4:12

One of the greatest gifts Hashem has given the Jewish People is the ability to cleanse ourselves of our sins through teshuvah (repentance). This gift is especially precious when one has been guilty of speaking loshon hora.

We have learned that when we speak loshon hora, we cause untold damage to ourselves, to our listeners and to the subject(s) of our words. The Chofetz Chaim has chronicled in detail the many sins which can be transgressed through loshon hora. Yet regardless of how grievously we have sinned, Hashem extends to us the gift of teshuvah, enabling us to repair the damage, at least to some degree.

The Chofetz Chaim discusses the parameters of teshuvah as it applies to loshon hora. If one has spoken loshon hora but his listeners did not believe what was said, then the sin is one between man and Hashem. Teshuvah in such a case requires that the person regret his sin, confess it before Hashem, and accept upon himself never to repeat it.

If, on the other hand, the loshon hora was accepted as fact and it resulted in harm, then more is required. For example:

A person lost an opportunity for a promotion because someone provided unnecessary or inaccurate, negative information about him. This constitutes real damage, both monetary and emotional. In this case, the three-part teshuvah outlined above would not be sufficient. One would also have to approach the victim and ask forgiveness for having spoken against him and caused him harm.

Certainly, this is a very difficult thing to do, especially if the victim had been unaware that he was being considered for a promotion. Nevertheless, the Chofetz Chaim informs us that neither Yom Kippur, nor death itself, can erase a sin between man and his fellow man unless sincere forgiveness is sought and it is granted.

(The legendary founder of the Mussar Movement, Rav Yisrael Salanter, found difficulty with the above law. From a Mussar perspective, he suggested that if by telling a person that we spoke loshon hora about him we will cause additional pain and distress, then perhaps it is better not to inform him.)

The Chofetz Chaim sees this as one of the major pitfalls of speaking loshon hora. Often, people forget about whom they have spoken, or are unaware of the damage their words have caused. In such cases, warns the Chofetz Chaim, they will never have the opportunity to achieve complete teshuvah.

The Chofetz Chaim further cautions that we should be exceedingly careful not to malign entire families. This kind of loshon hora can create a bad reputation for the family which can last for generations and cause untold hardship.

The Chofetz Chaim once suggested the following for a person who wanted to repent for having spoken loshon hora, but could not remember about whom he had spoken: Such a person should become involved in spreading the teaching of shmiras haloshon. In this way, he will atone, to some degree, for the harm which his own words have caused.

chanoch adds: Remember there is always a consequence to saying Loshon Harah and one can not always do Teshuvah or give Tzedakah sufficient to cleanse all of the pain and suffering one has caused.

Day 47 - Between Man and His Fellow

SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Laws of Loshon Hora 5:1

In this segment, the Chofetz Chaim focuses on the mitzvah to extend loans to a fellow Jew. As the Torah states:” … When you lend money to My people …” (Shemos 22:24).

Consider the following situation:

You have a friend who is in need of a loan. He approaches someone you know and asks to borrow some money, but the prospective lender refuses, with the explanation that he cannot afford to extend a loan at this time. However, you happen to know the lender and you know for a fact that he does have the means to extend the loan. You assume that the real reason for his refusal is that he happens to be selfish.

Telling others of the person’s refusal to extend the loan is loshon hora. This is so even in a case where you witnessed the wrongdoing and even if your purpose in telling others is to protest the injustice done.

If the prospective borrower, in a desire to “get even,” tells others what happened, then he transgresses the negative commandments against taking revenge and bearing a grudge (Vayikra 19:18).

chanoch adds: When one realizes that HaShem provides for everyone one will realize that the reason the person did not make the loan is not because they are stingy or another reason. It is because HaShem has decried that the person not receive the money for his project do to some blockage he has created through his own spiritual mistakes.

The case of a loan request which was refused is used by the Chofetz Chaim as an example of loshon hora involving a person’s faults bein adam l’chaveiro, between man and his fellow. Similarly, it is forbidden to mention that someone is lacking in any of the interpersonal obligations which the Torah places upon us.

Even if a person were to repeatedly transgress one of these mitzvohs — for example, he never extends loans despite the fact that he is fabulously wealthy — it is forbidden to speak of it. As the Chofetz Chaim explains, we cannot categorize such a person as a rasha (wicked individual) because, unfortunately, many people mistakenly think of such obligations as being voluntary. Thus, they do not see themselves as sinners at all.